Friday, August 18, 2006

The Guilt and the Shame

Today I ate. I had an apple, a small piece of steak with a slice of rye bread wrapped around it, a small bag of potato chips, and two bowls of fruit loops.

If I had any will, I'd make myself puke to throw it all back up again. Or perhaps a strong will would have kept me from pigging out in the first place. I feel like I should hide myself from the world because I ate the way I did. I feel dirty.

I ran errands today and I stepped in pee at Target. That's the kind of shit that makes me want to hate people. Blech. But I got a new bag and maybe I'll take a photo and post it up here for you to look at. It's a man bag by Mossimo. It's quite nice. I also got new blades for my utility knife at Home Depot. Part of the pleasure is the straightness, the neatness, the cleaniness of the scars. All the purity and perfection that I strive for is in those nice neat scars. Which is why I needed sharper blades that the one that was in my knife. Which I had to HUNT for. I mean I spent like 2.5 hours looking for it. The knife, not the blades. But I found and I got new blades. The cashier was even nice enough to give me bills for the shitload of change that I always have on me courtesy of Sonic.

I babysat this evening and the kids were really missing their dad. Like badly. It made me feel nice that I could help them out with that. I told them stories of things I did to not miss my mom when she went away. Of course I was fiendin' for my blade the whole time but I stayed distracted long enough to make it work.

Never again will I be the fat girl you befriend just because you're mad at your other friends.
Never again will I be the fat girl you fuck because you don't think you can do any better.
I was a fool for abandoning the things that supported me in favor of false things such as people.
I will not be that foolish ever again.

The three Vicodin I took are kicking in so I'm off to bed to slice until I feel well enough to sleep.

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