The Difference Between Knowing and Realizing

I know Andrew is gone from my life but I don't think I've realized it yet. I keep expecting to hear his ringtone. I've woken up every day since we fought thinking "Do I have plans with Drew today?" and it takes like two minutes for it to hit me and for me to realize I don't have plans with Andrew. I'm never going to have plans with him again. It makes my chest tight to think about that. What can you do though? I've been making people I care about hate me for most of my life. I take funny, mild-mannered people that everyone gets along with and turned them into monsters. My father, Jason and now Andrew. I have to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I want someone to love me one day you know? I don't want to be unlovable, unlikable for the rest of my life. I really don't.