Sunday, January 07, 2007

And I always thought we'd be together in the end

First off I'd just like to say that speaking up is hard. I'm really trying to do it. And it's scary. You don't want to offend people but you're tired of being walked on. Of holding it in. So you speak up. And speak out. And live life. It's great for me really. But it's not easy. Don't act like it is.

I'm getting ready to graduate soon. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm still holding a little bit of the sad over from the last post. When I envisioned my senior year I envisioned things a lot different. I wasn't single, I'd found a group of people to fit into and hang out with. I hung out all the time with my best buds Alyssa and Holly. Life was great. Life didn't end up that way. I barely talk to Holly or Alyssa anymore. I can't really stand it when I do. We've all changed so much. They don't have time for me. I'm a last resort friend. And to be honest, I really don't like the people they are now. I've never been one to hang out with people that stab others in the back and used them cause I hate that. And that's sort of who they are now. I know people and shit changes more than anyone, I'm a Navy brat. But still, I didn't really see this coming. It makes me sad for those happy middle school girls we all were once. They're both in some pain and I can't say I feel bad for them. Well I do but I don't. I'm sorry they're in pain, but they've earned it. The Universe gives what it gets. some of the shit they've done to their parents and Anna and Jessie is just...messed up. Maybe I'm naive for expecting the world to be fair. I just think of what should have/could have/would have been and it saddens me. I thought I'd be graduating with my girls. We're graduating this year, but we're not really girls anymore. I miss that.

I miss Stephen. And I miss Andrew. I love those guys. I want them at my graduation. I wouldn't be alive to graduate without those two. But we don't talk at all anymore and I know a large part of that is my fault. I'm really difficult. But damn. You're not supposed to give on people the way yall gave up on me. I know I got trying. And I know you had stuff going on with yourselves. But when you got that straight, I still needed help. Steve, I'm not as smart as you. Andrew, I don't really have the inner strength you do. Yall knew that coming in. I guess you just figured you weren't doing any good so why bother. You both did so much good. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think yall didn't ever fuck up. Females get in the way of things sometimes. That's all I'm going to say. Actually it's not. Melissa can be a brat but she's relatively decent. She really needs to let go of that drive she has to pitch a fit when she can't get her way. If someone needs their space, they're not going to NOT need it just cause you stomp your foot. And Andrew, you have to learn to stop trying to tell females what to do. It never works and you just end up pissed off. Skip the anger and the headache. Stephen, Caroline manipulated you and that hurt you. I know that. I could tell while it was happening how it chipped away at your self-esteem and your hope. You got out of that and I'm proud. But this new chick.....I'm just worried you're loosening up too fast. You're not like a lot of people our age. You have morals. I don't want you to lose your identity in someone else again. Because you weren't happy. I see you getting more and more apathetic and not caring about things you used....some of those things you used to care about are still important. Just because you got to the point where you associated some good things with a bad person doesn't mean the things are bad. I ask the Universe to help you see the difference. Despite everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I still love yall. I always will. In slightly different ways but love is love. I miss you two.

I'm done now. That took a lot out of me. My phone never rings. People with my number should call.


RainbowAfterTheTears said...

Life seems to suck sometimes, but it'll pass and things will continue to get better if you make them.
sometimes once they see the light friends will come back, but not always the same, often making it easier to move on to new friends and just enjoy them as a memory of happy times while you make new memories.
It's hard, but you're a strong individual, and you still have people to talk to if you ever need it, you can make it a long while yet.
Keep up your hopes!

Highly Feminine Jew boy said...

i totally can see your concerns for me....but i am still standing my ground....granted i have done certain things that i was waiting for the right time to felt like the right time...i swear i didnt just dive head first....i measured the pool depth make sure that i wouldnt hit my head....i just hope my calculations were always here....i know i say this all the time but i really do mean are completely and utterly amazing joy...i cant say i regret the past b/c everything happens for a reason but i hope that we may be able to rebuild what we once had

L'rufecha cholemim,