Things I Detest

1. Being so fat that I can't get anybody's respect.
2. Being lonely.
3. Being used.
4. Being broke 65% of the time.
5. Being implusive.
6. Being hated.
7. Being unloved.

My soul is screaming from the pain

I'm mad and I'm sick and both are my faults. I'm sick of the lack of respect or recognition. And I'm physically sick. And I hate it. I don't ever get any of his attention unless he needs something. And it's the same way with my parents. And I hate it. (Hate is a recurring theme in this post can ya tell?) It just doesn't make any sense that this is how people feel they should treat me. It's really upsetting and I hate it. It's like no matter how hard I work, my mother is still cranky and bitchy and Andrew is still exhausted and unhappy. Nothing I do ever has any real effect on anyone. It sucks. Because it makes me feel useless. Not completely useless, but unhelpful to the people that matter to me and that's a little upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I can't seem to get any care. I give it but I do NOT receive it in the slightest. Like I've been hacking up a lung for the longest and all anyone can really seem to care about is how it's going to affect them. Which is the world's biggest load of shit. The absolute biggest.

Perhaps I need a different map

I once again find myself in a place I don't really like. It's entirely all too familiar. I feel stupid and unhappy. And I am in fact stupid and unhappy. I hate like everything right now. I mean 100% hate. I'm so so so so so so so unhappy it's unbearable.

And yet I have a busy night ahead of me. Babysitting for Stella from 8:30p-2am. I'm going to Andrew's before that and helping him clean his closet. I might let him borrow the car to go to a friend's birthday party. I don't know if he wants to go yet. We shall see. Either way I'm going to be in English shit up to my neck sometime tonight. Oh well.

Highly frustrated

I hate both of my jobs and I hate my house. But I'm working on fixing all of that. But it's hard to be able to cope with the dissatisfaction I'm dealing with from everything. I'm really not happy with anything that's going on in my life right now. Except for the way my friendship with Andrew is progressing. That and that I see more connection with Stephen in the future. Which is good. I like reconnecting with people.

I said on Wednesday I didn't want to spend the night at Andrew's.....you know and I know and EVERYONE knows that was a straight lie. I swear that boy can make me smile just by breathing. He's a really amazing person. I resent all the time over the past year and a half that we spent arguing.

Peekabo!

So it's been a while since I've been on here to write something. I have been reading the blogs of others, but I've also been very busy. That and my father fucked up the internet at my house. I barely get any internet time. It sucks. But then again lots of things suck. I've been spending a lot of time at Andrew's place so that has something to do with it too. My job at Farm Fresh is sucking right now. I mean really really sucking. I have to find a new one. Let's hope that the job I'm trying to get with FedEx goes through. Cross fingers and all that shit. My head hurts a shit load right now. I mean like someone sharpened a standard sized pipe and stabbed me right above my left eye with it. It hurts so so so damn bad. Today is Valentine's Day. I personally think it's a pointless commercial holiday. I mean totally pointless. But maybe that's just because I never ever get anything and I'm horribly bitter. That probably has a good deal to do with it. I do so much for people and I get shit. Shit as in nothing what so ever. I might be moving out of my house and getting an apartment with Andrew. Well that's not all true. I will most definitely move out of my house. I MIGHT move in with Andrew. That's....interesting and complicated. I'm going to go try to remove my head now because it's bothering me. Actually I'm going to finish the rest of what I needed to do online so I can hurry up and leave Andrew's. Cause that's where I am now. If I could only cast off what offends me.....there'd be no me left. A lot of me and the people around me offend me. Eh whatever.

I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately as I'm sure you can tell. I'm very unhappy working at Kat's but it's still better than my house and so I chill there a lot. I'm not unhappy because her kids are all that difficult. It's just that I don't get paid enough to do what I do for them. I do a lot of shit. But it's dependable money so I do it. I'm getting to resent the FUCK out of it though. I mean the fuck. Aggravated by like everything. That's what I am at this point. Anywho, my family misses me, the extra driver. Not me, the sister or the daughter. Which is some shit. But I digress. Actually I don't. My headache that I got like ten minutes ago has very quickly progressed into a migraine. Which sucks because I can not drive myself home now. Motherfuckin sonofagoddamnbitch. I wanted to go home. I actually wanted to be at my house for once. That's so rare. And instead I'm stuck here. Nice. Grr. The point of this new paragraph though was that my mother either wants me to spend more time at home and "contribute" more (whatever the fuck that means) or pay storage fees for my shit. HA!! Fuck that. Fuck that in the ass.

maybe i am violent?

why, why, why, why, why

I'm so sick of asking myself this question. So I believe I'll just stop. Because it's an exercise in fultility.

motherfucker

I have a problem

I like to shop. When I'm happy, I buy things for others. When I am sad I buy things for myself.

Be it candy, porn, or cute/sexy/racy underwear; the same craving for instant gratification is there. Last Saturday I sought out to buy an electric alarm clock. Instead I bought the above.

Obviously this can become an issue. But the question is what to do about it?

No Call

Andrew is visiting his second baby mama so he can see his son for his birthday. I am worried about him. She makes him angry and she isn't a nice person. (To him at any rate.) All I asked was that he call me before he left. And did he?


OF COURSE NOT.
Why the fuck do I bother?

Yet Another Crazy Weekend

So. Last Thursday I graduated from high school. Well finished. I graduate in June. I spent that night over at Andrew's. Got up around seven when he left for work and crawled back into bed. Talked to Gerri across the room. Got up and showered at noon and dropped Drew off at a hail and farewell at Kelly's Tavern. Went home, went and babysat at Kat's house later in the evening. Came home, went to work Saturday morning. I was working (planning) on a nice home cooked meal for Andrew and his buddies but Andrew wanted to hang out with Melissa. I was upset about that, although I don't know why because it's not like I have any hold on him. But anyway I sat for Kat that night and chilled over there Sunday. Went and got Mommy's cake and flowers. Spent time at home there. Went to Andrew's to borrow his webcam and ended up spending the night there. Cried myself to sleep because it was my momma's birthday and I know she just wanted me home. But I let time get away from me and then weather got bad. It cleared but I was SOOOO tired I couldn't possibly drive. Andrew held me while I cried. I felt so bad. And she's pissed. I have to go home and deal with that. I skipped class today and PRIDE too. I'm just so tired. Payton was cranky because he didn't take a long nap. The majority of his nap he was locked in my car.

Makes some sense

I fell in love with this song when I first heard it on Scott's Myspace page. I couldn't catch all of the words at first but over time I caught quite a few. It always brought a certain person to mind even when I had no clue what the hell the words were. I looked up the words and the reason it gets me in the mood and brings someone to mind makes sense.


Tool
Jambi Lyrics
Here from the king's mountain view;
Here from the wild dream come true -
Feast like a sultan, I do,
on treasures and flesh, never few.

But I, I would wish it all away
if I thought I'd lose you
just one day

The devil and his had me down,
in love with the dark side, I found.

Dabblin' all the way down.
Up to my neck;
Soon to drown

But you,
changed that all for me,
lifted me up, turned me 'round.
So I
I
I
I
I would
I would
I would
Wish this all away

Prayed like a martyr dusk til dawn
Begged like a hooker all night long
Tempted the devil with my song
And got what I wanted all along

But I
and I would
If I could,
mm, I would
Wish it away
Wish it away
Wish it all away
Wanna wish it all away
No pressure could hold, sway,
or justify my
kneeling away
my sinnin'..

So if I could I'd wish it all away,
if I thought tomorrow
would take you away.
You're my peace of mind, my home, my center.
I'm just trying to hold on
one more day

Damn my eyes
Damn my eyes

Damn my eyes, if they should
compromise our fulcrum;
Want and need - if I need it
I might as well be gone

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun

Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one

Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent son

Shine down upon the severed
Shine until the two become one

Divided I'm withering away
Divided I'm withering away

Shine down upon the many
Light our way
Benevolent son

pray
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
Breathe in union
So, as one, survive
another day and season.

Silently just say your grace.
Silently, just stay out of my way!

Let me break it down for you

If you've been reading lately, you might think I'm a little loose. That's not the case. Allow me to elaborate on some things for you.

There's just something about Andrew. Unless I'm in a deeply committed relationship, I will always be up for sex with him. He gives me the best sex I've ever had. Ever. Let's face that. He's got these sexy moss green eyes that get like jade green when he gets turned on. Strong solid arms and FANTASTIC hands. Seriously they're a national treasure. And that ass. Firm, full. Fits perfectly in the palms of my hands. A little bit of hair for texture. It just screams "Nibble on me mama you KNOW you wanna take a bite."

Where was I going with this? Ah yes. I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with Josh and so I have no reason to feel guilt. And I don't. I think my conscious was trying to tell me THAT wasn't going to work. Josh smokes a pack and a half a day. I thought that would be fine as long as he didn't smoke around me. Not the case as my swollen lymph nodes, sore throat, and post nasal drip are telling. And he's not willing to cut back. I didn't ask him to quit. Just consider cutting back. No. Straight off the bat. And he has issues with my religion. And it's just.....eh. I really like Josh but not at the expense of my health. So that's basically where I am.

I know several of you are going: ANDREW IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE INSULTED YOU AND MADE YOU CRY???!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE NEVER SPEAKING TO HIM AGAIN!!
To that I say: I am a contradiction. Always. He's my boy. I'm never going to completely turn my back on him and walk away. Just long enough to keep from killing him when he acts like a jackass.

A Run-Down of My Weekend

Friday

• Came home after getting my paycheck. I did that right after school.
  
• Took Dad to Office Max and 7-11.
  
• Time is now 7pm. I head out to Oceana figuring I'd check on Andrew while waiting to see Josh since Josh hadn't called me yet.
• 7:20pm-Get to Andrew's. He's happy to see me, I'm happy to see him, we have missed each other greatly.
  
• 7:55pm??-Me and Andrew get busy.
  
• 9:30pm-I call Josh and leave one last message and say screw it and him. Andrew asked me to sleep over and I agree.

Saturday

• Much fun ensues as Tim comes over and there is much drinking and laughing and DDR.
  
• 1:20am-We have kicked Tim out and are having sex again.
• 2:20am-We've taken a shower, I have borrowed clothes from various people and now I am sleeping. Andrew joins me sometime in the night.
  
• 7:00am-The alarm goes off and we ignore it.
• 8:36am- I see the clock and scramble to get going to Saturday school which starts at nine. In Chesapeake.
• 9:15am-Get to Saturday School in Tim's pants and Drew's shirt and lie about having car trouble so I can get into Saturday school.
  
• 12:00pm-Get out of Saturday school, run to go get gas, drop off Dad's parking pass at the Tricare clinic, and head to the house to change into my work pants.
  
• 1:15pm-Get to Girl Scouts in Norfolk, get Taylor signed up with my troop
  
• 3:00pm-Leave there and go to work.
• 7:00pm-Get off work and go home
• 9:00pm-Head to Kat's to babysit and spend the night.

Sunday

• I basically stayed at Kat's until about 4pm. Then Dion came over and took me to the mall so I could show him his tux for my prom.
  

I was busy this weekend.

I have a million things I could be doing but I have to get this out

Last Saturday I got a reply to a Craigslist ad from a guy named Josh. We've been talking everyday since then. We hung out on Monday and had great sex. I actually felt comfortable enough to laugh about it. Of course now I'm plagued with the worry that all he sees me as is committment free sex. I want a relationship somewhere down the road. A boyfriend. A man. To be someone's number one and their only. Josh picked up on the vibes that I was uncomfortable with what we'd done and he suggested that we not have sex for the next two months. After I got over crying about how happy I was he saw me in his life in the next two months, I was glad about it. I'm still a little uneasy though. Been burned before, not again.

I'm not sure why I had sex with him so soon. S&M would be able to shed some light on this. I mean how long did they know each other before she moved in with him? It's just.....I feel like I've known him for months. And he makes me smile. I've had so little to smile about the past couple of days. My father hasn't had any insulin or even tested his blood sugar since January 3rd. I'm scared to death of coming home and finding that he's dead. On Monday, my brother's birthday, he drove my dad somewhere. Apparently he misunderstood my dad and so my dad punched him in the mouth. My brother almost hit my dad. Since then he's locked himself in his den. I feel so bad. If I hadn't been lazy and I'd dressed when I first woke up that day, I'd have been available to drive Dad. I was in the shower when they left. Once again, I'm not helping avoid these situations. It just makes me feel like shit.

Back to guys. Andrew's single again. And he's hurting. The part of me that was his friend wants so bad to reach out and help him. The part of me that loved him in that way is very much preoccupied with Josh. The part of me that craves fairness is screaming at me to take the chance that I was never really given with him. Josh is amazing. He has this sweet Southern drawl that just makes me melt. He's a really sweet person. But there are some deal breakers with him. He's a heavy smoker. With Andrew and Devin it was ok because they smoked occassionally. And they made sure it'd been a while since they last smoked before they were around me. I'm VERY allergic. It's not life-threatening, but it could be with prolonged exposure. Plus, his family is very religious and religion is a deal breaker. I'm a pagan. I know. Ouch.

I
Am
Confused.

I'm not Equal Oppourtunity anything

If you're a guy and you're black; you might as well not even bother talking to me. That's just how I am. I'm not sure why. Black guys are attractive to me but they aren't attractive. That's just how life is.

If you're a guy, you will get more chances with me than the average girl. Heck you could be Mother Teresa and you'd get less chances than the dude walking down the street. That's just how I am. Sue me.

Stephen I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Andrew. Because he's going to couple's therapy and anger management and I can't help thinking he'd be better off without her. She's a bad influence. He's gotten progressively flaky and angry since he met her. And it's dreadful. I hate it. HATE HATE HATE IT.

The Potomac Mills thing is no big deal really. I'm not that much of a bitch and there's no real reason to think that. Get over yourself eh?

It's the end of the week....thank God

Chaos Mute Math lyrics

Artist: Mute Math Album: Mute Math Year: 2006 Title: Chaos

Complication Is My Claim To Fame
I Can’t Believe There’s Another, Constantly Just Another
Can’t Avoid What I Can’t Control
I’m Losing Ground, Still I Can’t Stand Down
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

It’s Hard To Trust Anyone Again
After All The Let Downs I’ve Been Through,
Haunted By What I’ve Been Through.
Air’s Still Trapped, While I Still Can’t Breathe,
And I’m Screaming Out, Give Me Help Somehow.
I Know, Yea I Know…

I Know You Stay True When My World Is False
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos
I Always See You When My Sight Is Lost,
Everything Around’s Breaking Down To Chaos

…Chaos
I Know You Stay True

I love the musical quality of this song. The words... they're deep. But the music of the song. The guitar is ethereal. It's got a driving beat.

It's the end of the week and I'm glad because I'm tired. Of people and stuff. I don't have all that much to say really. Although I did realize something. Someone wanted to hang out with me and I just didn't feel like it. I'm not lonely because there's no one around but because no one I want it around.

My ego and my heart and my soul are just bruised. They're torn the fuck up. There were a lot of people in my life that should have never been in it. And they're gone now. And it's good. But I miss some of these people. Which makes moving on hard. I think deleting my Myspace helped. A lot. Everyone doesn't need to know everything. I've always been a big fan of complete disclosure. (When I skip school to go to lunch, I tell my mom about it.) But not everyone has that level of maturity. If the past one and a half years has taught me anything, it's that people are different. And some folks just have to be let go.

It's a big deal

Hi.
I'm a former Myspace addict. I have fixed this problem by deleting my Myspace. I have one for the nanny agency I'm trying to start up and I kept it but I deleted the personal one. That took a lot for me to do. I ask only one thing of my readers. Don't minimalize anything that I write here. It might not seem big to you, but there's a lot of little things that are really hard for me. I'm not sure why I have such difficulty with some small things, but I'm facing it and for that I'm glad.

My ASL class is really opening some doors for me. It's vastly different from Signed English which is what most hearing people use. It includes little words like "it, and, but, is" that aren't in American Sign Language. Completely different grammatical structure. But the thing is, it's basically like any other language class where immersion is a big part of it. So for about one hour and twenty minutes, I don't vocalize. My vocal cords remain at rest. It really lets my mind open up. I started preparing in the car so I'd be used to the silence once I got there. I never realized how much I strove to not be left alone with my thoughts. It's like I have to have the tv or radio or people around me. I was always looking for someone to be around. Maybe deleting the myspace will help me get more used to myself. I'm not surprised I don't like myself, I've never really been with myself. This class is going to beneficial in more ways than one.

I'm such a broken record

I have class and I'm getting ready to go. And I'm sad and I don't want to. But we have daily quizzes.

And I always thought we'd be together in the end

First off I'd just like to say that speaking up is hard. I'm really trying to do it. And it's scary. You don't want to offend people but you're tired of being walked on. Of holding it in. So you speak up. And speak out. And live life. It's great for me really. But it's not easy. Don't act like it is.



I'm getting ready to graduate soon. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm still holding a little bit of the sad over from the last post. When I envisioned my senior year I envisioned things a lot different. I wasn't single, I'd found a group of people to fit into and hang out with. I hung out all the time with my best buds Alyssa and Holly. Life was great. Life didn't end up that way. I barely talk to Holly or Alyssa anymore. I can't really stand it when I do. We've all changed so much. They don't have time for me. I'm a last resort friend. And to be honest, I really don't like the people they are now. I've never been one to hang out with people that stab others in the back and used them cause I hate that. And that's sort of who they are now. I know people and shit changes more than anyone, I'm a Navy brat. But still, I didn't really see this coming. It makes me sad for those happy middle school girls we all were once. They're both in some pain and I can't say I feel bad for them. Well I do but I don't. I'm sorry they're in pain, but they've earned it. The Universe gives what it gets. some of the shit they've done to their parents and Anna and Jessie is just...messed up. Maybe I'm naive for expecting the world to be fair. I just think of what should have/could have/would have been and it saddens me. I thought I'd be graduating with my girls. We're graduating this year, but we're not really girls anymore. I miss that.


I miss Stephen. And I miss Andrew. I love those guys. I want them at my graduation. I wouldn't be alive to graduate without those two. But we don't talk at all anymore and I know a large part of that is my fault. I'm really difficult. But damn. You're not supposed to give on people the way yall gave up on me. I know I got trying. And I know you had stuff going on with yourselves. But when you got that straight, I still needed help. Steve, I'm not as smart as you. Andrew, I don't really have the inner strength you do. Yall knew that coming in. I guess you just figured you weren't doing any good so why bother. You both did so much good. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think yall didn't ever fuck up. Females get in the way of things sometimes. That's all I'm going to say. Actually it's not. Melissa can be a brat but she's relatively decent. She really needs to let go of that drive she has to pitch a fit when she can't get her way. If someone needs their space, they're not going to NOT need it just cause you stomp your foot. And Andrew, you have to learn to stop trying to tell females what to do. It never works and you just end up pissed off. Skip the anger and the headache. Stephen, Caroline manipulated you and that hurt you. I know that. I could tell while it was happening how it chipped away at your self-esteem and your hope. You got out of that and I'm proud. But this new chick.....I'm just worried you're loosening up too fast. You're not like a lot of people our age. You have morals. I don't want you to lose your identity in someone else again. Because you weren't happy. I see you getting more and more apathetic and not caring about things you used....some of those things you used to care about are still important. Just because you got to the point where you associated some good things with a bad person doesn't mean the things are bad. I ask the Universe to help you see the difference. Despite everything that's happened and everything that's been said, I still love yall. I always will. In slightly different ways but love is love. I miss you two.


I'm done now. That took a lot out of me. My phone never rings. People with my number should call.

So I'm lying here crying...

The past can be a hurtful thing. Not mean hurtful but sad. The past can be so so sad.

I had a blog on Blogger before, but due to certain people getting involved in things I hid it and just stopped writing there. I wrote a companion blog to it with backstory on some of the important folks in my life. My writing before my dad's stroke and after is so completely different. I hate to think that I'm the kind of person that lets every little life change turn her for the worse. Anyway I went and read the companion blog and it's just sad how there are some great people who are no longer in my life now. And some of those people have hurt me so bad. And some of those others, well I've just fucked up those relationships beyond compare. I hate that.

I'm dumb

I just finished reading a blog about my friends that I wrote before Daddy had the stroke/heart attack. I'm so different. And I go back and read things I wrote before the Jason thing and I'm different yet again. Life keeps happening and it keeps changing me for the worse and I hate it. However I don't have time to wallow in bed, I have to go to work depressed.

By the way, I might be a bad person, but I'm a firm believer in getting out of the universe what you put in. You can only fuck your friends over so many times before you catch it in the teeth.